Pseudo-Relationship : Parang Kayo Pero Hindi

She
is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became
lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be
"friends." They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make
sure she's okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don't see
anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when
asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her
friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She
works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same
barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates,
flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are
suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman?
Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding
hands lagi? Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I
let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They
work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie,
have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books
for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex
jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never
talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she
heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing
she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's
assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her,
too. There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She
is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both
mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates
in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make
out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that
"sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about
it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's
important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The
"parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual
understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost
like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons
involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may
verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted
your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the
talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo
mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero
hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different
stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still
love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up
for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna
magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong
pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang
mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.

Puwede
ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo -- usually the guy --
may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa
girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa),
wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi
"hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."

Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't
ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala"
or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the
real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not
in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is
better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are
after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once
upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments
involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because
they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready
to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang
habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung
kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag
tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa
kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the
real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that
although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And
usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una,
you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you
can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba
magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role
in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if
you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to
yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you
fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same
way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are
dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if
he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you
wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship
at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if
you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you
remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out
that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng
pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or
when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in
a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang
pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa
pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi
"us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo.
Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang
pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong
pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you
used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another
pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero
puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin
ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the
consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt
yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live
the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop
settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When
I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a
friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka.
Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan
kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo,
gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang
"parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually,
hanggang doon lang siya... almost, but not quite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21. Spend some time alone.